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Scale Wars!


Week Six. One pound! For those of you following along, you no doubt are familiar with my ongoing battle with the evil scale! Honey (my wife, the personal trainer) has begun leaving post-its saying “STAY OFF THE SCALE!” I would,but it taunts me! How else would I find it under the bed or in the back of the closet?

This began early this week after walking by the cajoling little sucker several times, I quickly (and stealthily!) circled around and jumped on it from behind. Glancing down, I was angered to see that glaring little red needle giving me the finger and telling lies! Going to my knees and muttering under my breath while fiddling with that little adjustment thingy, I tell the block-faced liar in my most mature and reasonable tone, that I have power tools and guns and with my extensive military and martial training, I can and WILL hide the body where no one will EVER find it! I am gratified to see the smug little dial twitch in response.

With supreme confidence I step back up and look down……. !3$%**!!……NO CHANGE!!! I have to give the little guy credit, it consistently lies! I go to the garage and turn on my table saw, (The noise covers up my terrate like cussing) after the blade spins to a stop, I come back into the house and kick the scale into the corner, resolving to deal with it later. Walking to the living room, honey looks up from her book and ask,

“Where you on the scale again?”

Putting on an expression of extreme puzzlement, I answer “Moi?”

She favors me with a large eye roll in response. “Lying adds two pounds to your butt.” She tells me, watching me over her glasses.

I masterfully control my facial expression and suavely slip a hand into my back pocket to call her bluff. “PHTTT! Like I gotta worry about that!” I grin at her. Another eye roll and she goes back to her book.

SIGH…..Its been that kindia week! As of this writing, the scale grudgingly tells me I’m down ONE WHOLE POUND! HMMMM…..Maybe there’s something too that pounds to your butt thing…more later, I’ve gotta check something in the mirror and find a shovel!


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