I have a dog….like lots of people. The thing is MY dog is a traitor-is, tattle-telling piece of stuff! He’s seventy pounds of red-heeler and under cover spy all rolled into a short haired, cat clawed, boxy faced goof-ball!
I work second shift, so I get home late. Usually after mid-night. I’m a good owner, (That’s MASTER to you mutt!) I take him out to do his business. I give him treats, scratch his ears, show him all the coolest Elvis moves; you know…all the expected stuff.
So I’ve been doing these long hours…I’m tired. I don’t want to fix a meal, I’m bored with the plan…so I think…hey…ONE little fast food foray can’t hurt..RIGHT?!
So.. I come in last night; fast, greasy, deliciousness filled bag in hand. Honey’s asleep…she’ll never know….The animal and I share my drive thru bounty, (SEE, great MASTER!) we both are smacking our lips and rolling our eyes in delight. I finish up and put the ill gotten goods DEEP in the trash, cause you all know, guys are AWESOMELY sneaky like that!
I go into the den, to start my evening ritual of browsing the blogs and writing a bit to unwind. Time passes and I hear from our bedroom in the back, my hairy buddies LOUD voice…
“ARH ROWL OWWL OOOOOOHHHH!” Damn dog! He’s gonna wake up the girlie!
I rush to the bedroom and what do I find? Not only is he standing on the bed, howling and talking like he’s channeling Lassie, he’s brought the thrown away bag WITH him!!!
Honey is of course now awake and squinting at the grinning back stabber and looking at the crumpled mess on the covers.
“What’s all this?” she says, scratching the bloated beast.
Blank faced, I reply.
“Stupid damn dog ran off and went to the drive-thru with my wallet. BAD DOG!” I point at him. “GIT off my bed!” I shoo him away and pick up the trash. The canine goober, snarls his lip and smirks at me as he jumps down.
“UH_HUH. Did he share with you?” Honey asks yawning.
“Well, uh..maybe a bite or two..but HE ATE all the fries!” I exclaim.
Honeys hair is dis-arrayed and she still looks beautiful even while rolling her sleepy eyes.
The dog, chuffs in disagreement and wonders back to her side of the bed, full faced grin and tongue lolling happily to one side. Stupid butt-head….
She pat’s my belly.
“It’s on you boy…” another yawn. “You know what rich food does to HIS belly. If he makes a mess, YOU clean it up!” Scratching the offending critter, she tells him..”Good boy!” and turns to go back to sleep.
We leave the room and I softly close the door…feeling guilty at my weakness and my attempts to cover it up….DAMN DOG!
I go back to the den, stoically refusing to interact with the pooch. As I return to my chair, he sits beside me and looking RIGHT at me, farts then grins as if promising a gift later…
“Do it, and I’ll feed it back to you, ya hound!” I tell him.
Grunting in response, he settles to the floor and is snoring in minutes…man’s best friend…PHHTTT! So..be careful my friends…someone is always watching…and the mirror, if nothing else..will tell on you!